Over the past few weeks i have been in counselling i have managed to work through some big things!
Last week we uncovered some major stuff regarding my Mum... As i have said before on this blog the relationship between me and my mum has always been rocky!
Even after all the abuse in my life i have always tried to please my mum..... I have always lived my life trying to make sure she is happy so that she would be in my life.... Not because she was a good mum or because i wanted her in my life BUT because i thought it was the RIGHT thing to do..... I look at the people around me with their mum's and i thought i NEEDED her to be a NORMAL person.
Through my counselling it was reveled that i don't owe my mum any loyalty after everything that has happened. She will not change She is the way she is and that will always be the way. Holding on to hope that she will change is just wasting my life on something that will never happen.
I have allowed my mum to rule my life and relationships for too long! I have allowed her issues with people in my family become my issues. I have allowed her hate for people to become my hate for people.
I walked away from family members because that is what i was expected to do. I became a person who i hated BUT i did it because i got to have my mum in my lie that what is what i so badly wanted. I wanted my mum to care and love me so i did so much to please her so that i would have her... But that was the wrong thing to do.
Last week my counselor asked me a question that hit me really hard but was one that made me realize so many things. The question was " Do you want YOUR mum in your life or do you want a MUM in your life" And the answer " No i dont want my MUM i want a MUM . A mum who will love me for ME! This reveled that i need to let go of the hope for my MUM to become the mum i wanted.
Now that i know this i can focus on building my relationships with the other " Mothers" that i have in my life! I can build relationships with the family i was not in connection with! I can re build my life knowing that there is not a space for my mum and that's okay!
I always thought she would change! i always thought one day i would be good enough! One day she will love me! But the reality is that i am 25 years old this year and its been the same way every year!! As hard as it is the doors are closed moving on with my life and embracing the people who actually want to be in my life.
To those who got caught in the cross fire..... The people who love me but i was blind and didn't see it... I am sorry! I was taken on a ride that i thought i needed to be on but i didn't need to be on it and now i know that i am
Onward and upwards the new journey to the new life at peace without my mum starts now!