Mental health is something that effects so many people and yet is a topic that has so much stigma. Some people feel ashamed by their mental health. Some people feel they need to hide their mental illness because society paint's the picture that mental illness is weak BUT that is wrong! The TRUTH is mental illness is just the same as a physical illness its something that happens. Something that some of us have to experience! You are not weak for having a mental illness! You have nothing to be ashamed of and you don't need to hide! We need to break this stigma around mental health and share our journey's so that people can see the truth behind mental health.
Personally mental health has effected my life in many ways over the years! I have struggled with Suicidle thoughts , Depression , Anxiety & PTSD. These come and go some times i can be in control of things and have little issues and other times things can be so far out of control i feel like i am drowning.
I used to hide when going through this. I used to be ashamed i thought i was weak and that there was something wrong with me for going through these things and not being able to just cope with what was going on. But i no longer see my mental health this way. I see it for what it is apart of my journey apart of my life and i need to embrace the up and down that it brings.
On Friday after a few weeks of things being fine i had a mental health breakdown and it was pretty scary and serious.I shared a little bit of my story on facebook and the response i received of support was just so encouraging that i decided that i would share the full story as i know my story is one that is inspiring others to never give up. So here it is here is what happened on Friday. If you too are struggling an this triggers something for you PLEASE reach out and get help from someone! Call a friend or family member , Message me OR contact one of our amazing agency's see the list of support here
I woke up after a night of PTSD flashbacks of things from my past . Something that happens from time to time is that i end up having flashbacks of the trauma i went through as a child from the sexual abuse to the physical , emotional and mental abuse. This means that my sleep of course is not the best as i spend a lot of time waking up scared and having to remind myself that i am no longer a child in those situations but am now a adult safe in a better place and convince myself that its okay to go back to sleep it can be pretty tough.
Having a rough nights sleep and the fact that flashbacks are triggers for my fibro pain meant that when morning came and it was time to get up i was in a HUGE amount of pain all over my body and had the worse headache that quickly turned to a migraine after being up a few hours. I knew i was in for a tough day but i severely underestimated how tough the day was going to be.
A day like friday means i need to rest so i sat in my arm chair , curtains closed , Pjs on under my warm blanket with my favorite show on the telly. Trying to keep my mind relaxed but occupied. Keep my mind off the pain and trying desperately to stay away from the black hole of depression that was calling my name as it always did.Desperately trying to silent the voices of the past that were in my head yelling so many horrible and nasty things. The day seemed to drag on minutes felt like hours and before i knew it the suicidal thoughts were present. I had failed and keeping out of the depression black hole and was now sitting and the bottom of the hole wanting to end everything because there was no way out and its only 11am.
I kept saying to myself to just hang on a few more hours soon my husband would be home from work. Soon i would be reminded that all though i don't feel safe that actually i am because that old life is gone and i am a new and better life. I had two sets of voices going through my head one was the voices of depression and PTSD wanting me to kill myself and the other of HOPE and life and fighting telling me to hold on just a little longer.
I managed to hold on until my husband got home but i made the mistake of NOT telling him that i was not okay i decided to revert to the old me and hide again. pretending that i was all okay and that nothing was the matter which of course was the wrong thing to do. We ended up in a silly argument over something so stupid and because i was in such a bad place and he didn't know this argument blew up way more then it needed to and i just couldn't take it anymore i broke. I went and grabbed my pills and went to start taking them all it was time i was so over the pain and trauma of this world. Thankfully my husband realized what was going on and managed to wrestle my pills out of my hands before i took any. And then we sat down and talked and i cried.....
I realized that i had let myself down the last few weeks. I hadn't been looking after myself. I had let all my routines go as life got busy and had stopped talking about how things were effecting me. So the last few days i have taken a step back and am focusing on my mental health because it is SO important!I am not back to 100% yet but i am building myself back to where i was. Slowly building my mental health blocks back up.
If you are struggling with mental health issues of any kind please remember you are not the only one! There are so many who are effected my mental health. One of the hardest parts of mental health is when we try to do it alone! It's to big of a thing to do alone you need support! You need people who can be there for you and people who understand! This is so important! I have made so much more progress in my journey since finding people i can connect with who understand this journey.
Any questions feel free to get in touch! More then happy to answer questions and chat to discuss things with anyone. You can message me on facebook here , Instagram here or email me email@example.com