PTSD is one of the many conditions I have but is one I have not talked much about and with a few question's lately about PTSD and why I have PTSD I thought it was time to write a blog post about it. This is something I have wanted to for a while but its something that is hard to talk about so I have put off posting. But its the right time now.
I have mentioned on here before and on my social media many times that my childhood was a nightmare. Family life was far from what it should have been it was a life full of drama and abuse and that impacts a child in many ways. Without going to much into my childhood life in this post because otherwise this post will be a very long one. My mother and her partner were alcoholics and gamblers their focus was always alcohol and gambling. Every weekend they would drink & gamble and then fight till all hours of the morning. Most of the time the police would be called because my mother would play the victim card and want him taken away but yet he would be back the next day or sometimes even the same night. I would spend these nights protecting and comforting my little brother who was scared of all the yelling and fighting and things being thrown around. I still remember clearly the first time i cam out of my room to try and calm the fight down to seeing my mum being thrown up against a wall a image i will never forget. I remember being so scared having to tell the police what i saw and not knowing what was going to happen next. I was about 6 years old
Fast forward 2 years and then the abuse started on me i was no longer witness to the abuse on my mum but the abuse started on me Physical abuse was how it started but later the sexual abuse started... For years i was a victim of abuse in many forms mental , emotional , physical and sexual from a person my mother brought into my life someone who was a parental figure who shouldn't have hurt me someone i should have been able to trust! But instead he messed me up and changed how i would be forever!
The hardest part about it all is that my mind has blocked so much of my life because i cant handle the full truth of what happened to me. My brain has decided to file things in a lock box to protect me so i know about 15- 20% of my childhood and now i have this thing called PTSD which was diagnosed a few years ago after my flashbacks started.
Flashbacks are like nightmares they can happen day or night sleep or awake and are what they say a flash back to a memory or in this case a trauma so in my case its anything to do with my childhood. I have flashbacks to do with all kinds of different things from my life sometimes they are things i already knew and sometimes its unlocking something i didn't know and those are the ones that are beyond hard to deal with because its reliving something traumatic and its something i am learning for the first time as well which makes it harder.
Flashbacks are scary because they take you back there. For that moment you are in that flashback how ever long it last. Some short some long . You are 100% there you are in that moment when that traumatic event happened to you. You can feel hear and see everything it is like you have gone back in time to that exact moment and your experiencing it all again and then boom your out of that flashback you realize that your not in that time but you still feel scared so then you have to take time to ground yourself and calm yourself to remind yourself that your safe & okay!
Then there are the times when there are no visual flashbacks. BUT feelings flashbacks... when something has triggers something and i have all the feelings of something traumatic that has happened in my past like this picture says below
Flashbacks are triggered by something in most cases however figuring out those triggers are not that easy. For me its driving down or past the old houses we lived in growing up so we have had to stop driving past those houses which is hard when i lived in over 25 houses as child. But sometimes triggers are something you just don't know and that makes life super hard because in order to reduce flashbacks i need to reduce triggers but if i don't know the trigger how can i reduce it.
I Hope this explains my PTSD a little more for those of you who were wondering. If you have any further questions please feel free to get in touch. Always happy to chat.
Here are a few blogs i have written in regards to my childhood and my abuse in the past:
I am a survivor
My story so far
Not becoming her