Dear Dad

October 31, 2019

Dear dad, 



Early this year very unexpected you passed away. This letter is not only for me to tell you things I need to tell you, a way for me to process things a little more but also for me to share what happened because dad how we lost you will forever hurt and if we can save just one life from what happened then we can stop one other family from feeling what we feel. 


March 12, 2019, I received the phone call I never wanted to receive. It's 5.40 am i knew as soon as i saw Aunty calling on my phone that something was wrong but in no way was I expecting to hear the following from her. " I am so sorry honey, Your father has died" Words I will never ever forget. In less then a second my world fall apart! As I sat in my armchair I didn't know what to say or do. All I could think was NO this can't be true! This can't be happening!! At this point, we knew very little about what happened just that you had been found at the house you were staying at. 




The rest of that day I just cried and cried... My head filled with so many thoughts of you so many memories but also so much heartbreak..... I only knew you for 12 years!! I am 26 but I only knew you for the last 12 years! It's not enough!! Although I had known you for 12 years I didn't get much time with you! I meet you for the first time in 2007 I only had you in my life for 3 months before you got involved with the wrong crowd and you ended up in prison. While I continued to live in Christchurch with Nana & grandad I saw you often at prison visits and we had contact with you all the time through letters. Prison visits were hard! But I got to see you and that is what was important to me! I got those dad hugs that made everything so much better!  You then got moved into hospital care and visits were a little easier. Then I moved back to Auckland which was so hard! I still had contact with you through calls! 


Over the years I was living in Auckland and you in Christchurch we had a rocky relationship! In and out of contact for many reasons. The biggest being I was a hurt young girl who experienced a childhood that no child should and that made it so hard for me to communicate with you sometimes. I had my problems and you had your problems and we just struggled to find a place where we could both be happy and okay. I decided after our last argument to take some time away to heal my pain and then come home to see you face to face and try to fix everything. Try to explain things to you about why things were hard for me but that chance never came! It was supposed to be December 2019 I was going to come home and things were going to be okay! But you're gone now and the pain and guilt I feel will last forever.



 The last time I was in Christchurch 4 years ago I saw you for 20 minutes because you had other priorities. Something that hurts SO much now that you're gone! I begged to spend time with you but you were too caught up in the world you were in and that broke my heart. I am just glad I forced you to have a photo with me and my bro because it was the first and unfortunately the last time you had both your children in the same place. Dad, I know you had your own stuff going on but it hurts so much that we didn't get to spend that time with you which turned out to be the last time I would ever see you. 

I was robbed of my chances to have my dad properly 3 times and this third time is forever and it is hard! Mum took me away from you when I was baby and I didn't know you till I was 12 years old when I lost you again when you went to prison yes I still had contact but I didn't get to spend any time with you as a daughter should with her dad. And now you're gone forever and I never get you back.


We lost you to synthetic marijuana that was laced with some nasty stuff!! Losing you this way was so unexpected. We knew you were involved with marijuana but never would we have thought you would be taken this way. This made the grieving process so much harder as we had to wait for the police investigation process. But we recently got the information we needed! I can't talk much about it in this letter due to the ongoing investigation and this being a public letter but once we can there will be further letters as this is something that needs to be talked to prevent others from ending up in this situation. 


Your smile, Your laugh, Your cheeky personality will NEVER be forgotten! I will never forget the warmth of your hugs and how your hugs made me feel safe! We may not have spent as much time together as we both wanted but the times I did get to spend with you will be precious memories forever! 


We lost you too soon & too young!! Rest easy dad! I Love you dad & I miss you more then words can say!!

Love your daughter xo  



To anyone who is involved in any kind of drugs please please stop! Don't risk ending up the same way my dad has. Don't chance putting your family through the pain and the hurt that myself and my family are experiencing! It's not worth it! Your life is FAR more important then the high you get from the drugs. 


Related Blogs: 

In one day everything changed - Meeting my dad and family 



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